Yesterday we had to take our 13 year old chihuahua Beast to the vet. I had gotten Beast from a breeder when he was a puppy. He was my baby before I had babies.
Over breakfast we joked about getting Beast a tiny oxygen mask and tiny oxygen tank. We didn't know what was wrong with him, other than a hacking cough, but given his age I already had decided that we wouldn't go crazy with expensive treatments.
We got to the vet and he examined both our dogs (our boxer has had some stomach issues). He heard Beast cough and initially thought maybe pneumonia, but after listening to his heart and lungs thought congestive heart failure. He wanted to do X-rays and we agreed.
The tech said it would take awhile. It was 1:18 so we could go run an errand and be back at 2. We left to run errands. I didn't say goodbye.
When we returned I ran inside to pick up the dogs and pay. The woman at the front desk led me back into an examining room and I knew something was wrong. I thought maybe the vet was going to say he suspected cancer. He came in and said how sorry he was, that Beast had died during the X-ray, that they had tried to revive him, but weren't successful. He thought that Beast had a heart attack or blood clot. My hands covered my mouth in shock as I started to cry.
He asked if I wanted to see him and brought me in back. Beast was wrapped in a blanket. He looked relaxed, peaceful. We talked about cremation as I pet his head and cried.
I paid and the tech helped me outside. my husband saw me coming with just Sasha and got out of the car. The tech told him.
We got back to the hotel and my daughter kept saying, "Where's Beasty? Where's my Beasty?" She ran all over the hotel room looking for him. We explained that he was in heaven and she asked if heaven was fun. We said very.
This morning she woke up and asked, "Where's Beast?" We told her heaven.
Saying goodbye to an old friend is never easy. I can only remember all the times I've been impatient with him over the last 2 years. I know I gave Beast a good life. I wish I had treated him better since we had our daughter. Dogs don't ask for babies to come along. I need to remember that a pet only asks for our love.
Telling your children their beloved pet is gone requires patience and repetition. Our daughter is too young to understand and that's okay. Although hearing her ask where Beast is breaks my heart, I know that it's my job as the parent to tell her. It's also okay that she sees me cry and knows that I miss Beast. She is learning empathy. It's okay to grieve the loss of a pet. They are family. As hard as it can be to let them go, sometimes you have to. We decided to have Beast cremated and will scatter his ashes somewhere close to us. The vet's office is also making a paw print for us. Other pets I've lost I've buried in the yard and planted flowers. Decide what is meaningful for your family and what works best for your situation. Teaching your children have to grieve in a healthy manner is an important part of life. Holding on to your grief, not dealing with loss is never healthy.
RIP Beast. Mommy loves you.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Tragedy in Boston
As we watch the news tonight and hear the stories unfold of today's tragedy in Boston, let us not forget that we are resilient. Let us use this tragedy to keep our own lives in perspective and to remain ever grateful for the blessings in our lives.
We can continue to move towards a better future, we can work to promote peace and hope in our lifetimes.
If you find yourself struggling, reach out to someone and let them know you need help. There's no shame in asking for help.
Let us keep each other, and the people of Boston, in our prayers.
We can continue to move towards a better future, we can work to promote peace and hope in our lifetimes.
If you find yourself struggling, reach out to someone and let them know you need help. There's no shame in asking for help.
Let us keep each other, and the people of Boston, in our prayers.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Toddlers
My toddler just had a meltdown. I'm talking sitting on the floor, crying hysterically, inconsolable because we were outside, she wasn't listening, and I made her come inside. I could feel myself getting frustrated with her so I took a deep breath and picked her up and we went and sat on the couch until she calmed down. I spoke softly to her while she cried, encouraged her to stop crying, and tell me what was wrong. She was calm within a few minutes because I was calm. I'm not saying I'm a perfect parent. I am far from it, but I do try to improve my parenting skills every day and be a better today than I was yesterday.
The thing is toddlers don't have the language skills or the emotional understanding to express what they are feeling verbally. Yes, I believe my toddler was mad, but she doesn't have the words to tell me she was mad that she had to come inside. She also doesn't have the language skills to necessarily understand why we had to come inside. She was expressing her frustration the only way she knew how...by crying and pitching a fit.
In moments like these try to put yourself in your toddlers place. Physically get down on their level. Sit with them, hold them, talk to them calmly. Help your toddler learn how to express themselves by letting them know it's okay to tell you when they are mad/sad/frustrated/happy/etc. Encourage your toddler to stop crying and talk to you as much as they are able at this young age.
If you need a time out then take a time out. It's better to remove yourself from the situation or ask a trusted friend or family member to hang out with your child for a few minutes while you calm down than it is to take your frustrations out on your child. Never discipline your child when you are angry or take your frustrations out on your child. Remember your child isn't doing anything wrong...they are acting like a toddler, learning self expression. You have a choice to maintain control and be patient with your child. You have the ability to maintain control and demonstrate patience.
Parenting is hard. It's a lot of work. It takes a lot of patience. Your child needs and deserves an amazing parent. That doesn't mean being a perfect parent, but rather it means that you actively work on your parenting skills. We all need help and advice from time to time.
Serenity Counseling Online is here to help. Whether you are looking to strengthen your parenting skills, need someone to talk to about parenting, or have questions on how to work with your particular child don't hesitate to contact us.
The thing is toddlers don't have the language skills or the emotional understanding to express what they are feeling verbally. Yes, I believe my toddler was mad, but she doesn't have the words to tell me she was mad that she had to come inside. She also doesn't have the language skills to necessarily understand why we had to come inside. She was expressing her frustration the only way she knew how...by crying and pitching a fit.
In moments like these try to put yourself in your toddlers place. Physically get down on their level. Sit with them, hold them, talk to them calmly. Help your toddler learn how to express themselves by letting them know it's okay to tell you when they are mad/sad/frustrated/happy/etc. Encourage your toddler to stop crying and talk to you as much as they are able at this young age.
If you need a time out then take a time out. It's better to remove yourself from the situation or ask a trusted friend or family member to hang out with your child for a few minutes while you calm down than it is to take your frustrations out on your child. Never discipline your child when you are angry or take your frustrations out on your child. Remember your child isn't doing anything wrong...they are acting like a toddler, learning self expression. You have a choice to maintain control and be patient with your child. You have the ability to maintain control and demonstrate patience.
Parenting is hard. It's a lot of work. It takes a lot of patience. Your child needs and deserves an amazing parent. That doesn't mean being a perfect parent, but rather it means that you actively work on your parenting skills. We all need help and advice from time to time.
Serenity Counseling Online is here to help. Whether you are looking to strengthen your parenting skills, need someone to talk to about parenting, or have questions on how to work with your particular child don't hesitate to contact us.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Living up to Standards
Someone texted me to share that they had won an award at work and were nervous that they wouldn't be able to live up to the standard of the award. This person asked for some tips in working through this issue. My response is as follows:
Congratulations on your award! That's a great achievement and I'm not sure why you feel like you can't live up to the standards of the award. By virtue of getting the award you've already proven that you ARE already living up to the standards. I think that is the biggest piece of working through lack of confidence. You ARE ALREADY DOING IT! They wouldn't have nominated and chosen you if you weren't.
Congratulations on your award! That's a great achievement and I'm not sure why you feel like you can't live up to the standards of the award. By virtue of getting the award you've already proven that you ARE already living up to the standards. I think that is the biggest piece of working through lack of confidence. You ARE ALREADY DOING IT! They wouldn't have nominated and chosen you if you weren't.
Lacking confidence is something you can change. The first step is to fake it until you make it. Often by faking confidence it becomes ingrained in you and before you know it you are confident.
The second step is to get outside your comfort zone whenever possible. By putting yourself in situations that challenge you then you allow yourself to grow as a person. Whether it's accepting a promotion, moving to a new shift, moving your relationship forward to the next level, or doing something that frightens you don't allow yourself to accept the status quo. If you always take the easy/known/familiar path then before you know it your life will have passed you by.
The third step is to believe in yourself. If you don't believe in your abilities then how can you expect other people to believe in you?
Fourth, be kind to yourself. If you wouldn't say the things you tell yourself (doubts, etc) to your best friend then DON"T say them to yourself. We can be our own worst critic when it's clear that others in our lives don't think about us that way.
And finally, know that whatever expectation is being asked of you by virtue of this award is something you are already living. And it sounds like the only expectation is something you are projecting onto yourself. Let that go. You got this!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Dealing with Change
In a late night text conversation with a dear friend last night we started to talk about all the changes we were about to face...both pregnant, both have toddlers, both about to do a military move with newborns...as you can imagine there are a lot of unknowns and uncertainties we are facing. It's easy to get caught up in the fear of the unknown. Change is scary! Regardless of if you are a military family or someone who has lived in the same town your whole life we all face new environments with a certain amount of trepidation.
So, how do we face change without fear?
1) Acceptance. We all know that life can change at any point in time. Whether it's a new relationship, new job, new home, pregnancy, death, there are many unknown variables. Living in fear of those unknown variables will keep you in a constant state of stress. If you can learn to accept that it's okay for life to change and that life really is like a moving river, flowing over rocks, changing shorelines, and fallen trees while we are just leaves floating down that river then it's easier to accept the unknown.
2) Embrace the chaos. I think there are two types of people in life. Those who embrace an orderly life and those who embrace chaos. I know my life is never orderly. I wish I was more organized, but I'm not. Instead I've learned that it's okay to embrace the chaos. My life isn't perfect and it doesn't have to be because I know everything will work out in the end. And if my house is a hot mess, but my daughter is happy and healthy then life is good.
3) What's the worst that could happen? Ask yourself and then be okay with the answer. For example, say you're facing a move to a new city. What's the worst that could happen? Well, it might be hard to meet people, you might not like your new job. Before you get there use the internet to explore new ways to get involved in your new town. Whether it's using sites like meetup.com or joining a mom's group or a cooking class, force yourself to get out of your comfort zone and get involved in new things. Make a plan for how you are going to face various scenarios of this change.
4) See change as an opportunity. This is your chance to renew, repurpose, redecorate. Be the person you want to be. Whether it's using this new opportunity to exercise, shop locally, go to farmer's markets, buy some new couch cushions do the things you wouldn't have done if change wasn't forcing you into something new. Moving to a new area? What a great time to explore a new region of the country! Going through a divorce? What a great time to take an exotic trip by yourself! Don't let your fear hold you back.
5) Be kind to yourself. Don't be harsh or judge yourself for being afraid. The kinder you can be to yourself right now as you face your fear the easier it will be to move through that fear. Constantly judging yourself for being nervous is like treating your best friend like crap. You just wouldn't do it to your best friend, so don't do it to yourself!
And above all else don't be ashamed to ask for help. Rely on family, friends, or a therapist to help you cope with whatever you are going through right now. If you don't ask for help, others won't know you need a hand right now.
So, how do we face change without fear?
1) Acceptance. We all know that life can change at any point in time. Whether it's a new relationship, new job, new home, pregnancy, death, there are many unknown variables. Living in fear of those unknown variables will keep you in a constant state of stress. If you can learn to accept that it's okay for life to change and that life really is like a moving river, flowing over rocks, changing shorelines, and fallen trees while we are just leaves floating down that river then it's easier to accept the unknown.
2) Embrace the chaos. I think there are two types of people in life. Those who embrace an orderly life and those who embrace chaos. I know my life is never orderly. I wish I was more organized, but I'm not. Instead I've learned that it's okay to embrace the chaos. My life isn't perfect and it doesn't have to be because I know everything will work out in the end. And if my house is a hot mess, but my daughter is happy and healthy then life is good.
3) What's the worst that could happen? Ask yourself and then be okay with the answer. For example, say you're facing a move to a new city. What's the worst that could happen? Well, it might be hard to meet people, you might not like your new job. Before you get there use the internet to explore new ways to get involved in your new town. Whether it's using sites like meetup.com or joining a mom's group or a cooking class, force yourself to get out of your comfort zone and get involved in new things. Make a plan for how you are going to face various scenarios of this change.
4) See change as an opportunity. This is your chance to renew, repurpose, redecorate. Be the person you want to be. Whether it's using this new opportunity to exercise, shop locally, go to farmer's markets, buy some new couch cushions do the things you wouldn't have done if change wasn't forcing you into something new. Moving to a new area? What a great time to explore a new region of the country! Going through a divorce? What a great time to take an exotic trip by yourself! Don't let your fear hold you back.
5) Be kind to yourself. Don't be harsh or judge yourself for being afraid. The kinder you can be to yourself right now as you face your fear the easier it will be to move through that fear. Constantly judging yourself for being nervous is like treating your best friend like crap. You just wouldn't do it to your best friend, so don't do it to yourself!
And above all else don't be ashamed to ask for help. Rely on family, friends, or a therapist to help you cope with whatever you are going through right now. If you don't ask for help, others won't know you need a hand right now.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Suicide is Not the Answer
My husband and I drove back yesterday from Virginia to Massachusetts. During our drive we crossed the Deleware Memorial Bridge and noticed several police cars with lights and sirens on going by us. They stopped at a car parked in the left lane of the bridge, where the cables that support the suspension bridge are anchored, about a 150 foot drop to the river below. There was no one in the car. Someone had jumped off the bridge.
There was not time for anyone to intervene and the woman's body was retrieved about thirty minutes after she jumped. She was 53 years old.
There may be times when life seems bleak and overwhelming, but suicide is not the answer. It is a short term solution that leaves your family and friends behind to pick up the pieces. And although the temptation to end your life may sometimes seem like the answer there is always a better option.
It is approaching the 1 year anniversary of a friend's suicide. How many times do I wish he had made a different choice? Let's just say that if I had a nickle for each time I had that thought I'd be a millionaire. He had so much to give and yet the world will never know it, he will never know it. His life is over. His choices are over.
If you are thinking about suicide then I urge you to get help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifelife is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 1-800-273-8255. Their website states, "If you feel you are in a crisis, whether or not you are thinking about killing yourself, please call the Lifeline. People have called us for help with substance abuse, economic worries, relationship and family problems, sexual orientation, illness, getting over abuse, depression, mental and physical illness, and even loneliness."
Please call. Your life is worth it.
There was not time for anyone to intervene and the woman's body was retrieved about thirty minutes after she jumped. She was 53 years old.
There may be times when life seems bleak and overwhelming, but suicide is not the answer. It is a short term solution that leaves your family and friends behind to pick up the pieces. And although the temptation to end your life may sometimes seem like the answer there is always a better option.
It is approaching the 1 year anniversary of a friend's suicide. How many times do I wish he had made a different choice? Let's just say that if I had a nickle for each time I had that thought I'd be a millionaire. He had so much to give and yet the world will never know it, he will never know it. His life is over. His choices are over.
If you are thinking about suicide then I urge you to get help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifelife is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 1-800-273-8255. Their website states, "If you feel you are in a crisis, whether or not you are thinking about killing yourself, please call the Lifeline. People have called us for help with substance abuse, economic worries, relationship and family problems, sexual orientation, illness, getting over abuse, depression, mental and physical illness, and even loneliness."
Please call. Your life is worth it.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Keeping the Home Fires Burning
It's easy to get bogged down in the day to day stuff that comes our way. So easy that we often let our romantic relationships take a backseat to what is happening in the news, what tv show is on tonight, or who said what on Facebook. When we do that our romantic relationships suffer and we can feel disconnected from our partner/spouse.
Here are 10 tips to reignite those home fires and bring some romance back into your relationship.
Here are 10 tips to reignite those home fires and bring some romance back into your relationship.
Doc Barton's Top 10 Tips to Re-Ignite Romance
"Keeping romance alive is sometimes a challenge for couples
Keeping romance alive is sometimes a challenge for couples. Here are my top ten tips for adding some fuel to your romantic fires.
- Act romantic and you'll feel romantic. Play the part by setting the scene with candlelight and soft music, softer words, lingerie and great smells. This creates a fanciful mood for both of you and romance will be unavoidable.
- Make your bedroom a romantic hideaway. Get some silk sheets, some soft lights and if you don't have a lock on your bedroom door - get one. Having a place to go when the feelings come over you is important to keep romance alive.
- Talk about sex. Give your partner a call in the middle of the day and tell them you can't wait to make love to them. Drop little sexual innuendoes and don't be afraid to ask them what it is they like or tell them what you like. Conversations about love may be one of the most under rated aphrodisiacs.
- Indulge your fantasy. Share your secret romantic fantasy with your partner and ask them to tell you theirs. Then make plans to play them out. Just the anticipation will add to your romance and the gift of giving each other what you desire will be something that you will never forget.
- Have a date night at least once a week. This may the most important and most disregarded rule of romance. Keeping a date night with your partner is something that both of you can look forward to all week long. It is your special time together away from work, kids and all the stresses of life. Not only will it enhance your romantic life; it will help you both live longer.
- Be creative. Relive you first date, kidnap your partner for a weekend getaway, have chocolate covered strawberries and champagne in bed, serenade your partner (or just lip-sync to a Josh Grobin or Jessica Simpson song). There are so many different ways to be romantic, just go with your ideas (or buy a book to get some) it's really hard to do it wrong.
- Kiss often. Couples who kiss every day make love more than those who don't. One of the sexiest things you can do with your partner is to just spend a night making-out and cuddling. Deep, romantic kissing is something that many couples forget to do after they have been together for a while. It's more important to romance than you think. If you ask most women what they would like more of in their romantic lives they will tell you it's kissing, and men who are great kissers never want for love making.
- Let go. Give your partner total control in the romance department every once in a while. It's surprising how they will surprise you if they can give to you in any way they want. There is also something freeing about giving up control. Just say to the one you love, "Honey, I'm all yours, do with me what you will."
- Complement each other. Everyone wants to know they're desirable and we all wonder if our partners still find us sexy after a few years have gone by. Just telling someone how great he or she looks when you're in bed isn't enough. Compliments should take placed throughout the day. This way, when it's bedtime, your partner will already feel desired and you will reap the benefits.
- Think about sex. We all think about sex, but sometimes we forget to put our partner in the picture with us. Next time your mind wanders in that direction be sure to focus on being with the person you love. These thoughts will create a deeper connection and both of you will not only feel more romantic, you will also feel emotionally closer.
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