Marriage

Listening to the sounds of Mickey Mouse, watching my 2 year old run around the house, waiting on hold with our bank for what seems like forever, I read a blog post titled Going The Distance.  The author is celebrating her 36th wedding anniversary.  In today's day and age of starter marriages and quickie divorces, 36 years may seem like a lifetime. 

I've noticed a trait among successful marriages that I think the author does a good job of touching upon.  People who are happily and successfully married put their spouses first.  They spend the time to make their spouse feel important.  They go out of their way to tell their spouse they love them and they tell them often.  They don't hold grudges.  They learn to hold their tongues and they hold them often.  They praise their spouse.  They are partners in all areas of life. They recognize that loving their spouse and loving them publicly teaches their children how to grow up and have their own happy, successful marriages. 

On the flip side I've noticed a trait among those people who appear to be unhappily married.  They disagree or fight publicly and in front of their children.  They hold grudges.  They give each other the silent treatment.  They don't let go of past mistakes.  They put themselves and their own needs first.  They complain about their spouse to anyone who will listen.  They never praise their spouse.  They treat their spouse like one of their children.

The kind of relationship you have with your spouse directly correlates to the kind of relationship your children grow up to have with their spouses.  It's never too late to change the relationship you have with your spouse.  Each day is a chance to show your spouse how much you love them and cherish them.  Don't let today end without your spouse knowing how important they are in your life.      

If I Loved You

You don't get married expecting to get divorced.  When you are young and in love you can't even imagine the fairytale ending...unless you go into marriage knowing you are marrying the wrong person.  

My first husband is a good person.  He was a good husband.  He would've been a good father.  There was nothing wrong.  

Except that there was.  

I know that he didn't understand what the wrong was.  If I had been a stronger person I would've called off the wedding.  I wasn't at that time in my life.  I knew what a good person he was and I thought that the love would come.  

I went to counseling.  I cried.  I rebelled and basically acted like a teenager.  At 25 years old I wanted to go out with my friends.  I wasn't ready to be married.  He was.  

The more he tried to connect with me, to be the person he thought I wanted, the worse I acted.  I drank too much, I cried too much, I was mean, I hated myself.  

For a long time I blamed myself.  

Delta Rae's song If I Loved You is the music to what I went through and wish I could've voiced during my first marriage.  If I had those words then maybe he would've understood.  

It is better to hurt someone you care about then to spend years with the wrong person.  

Keeping the Home Fires Burning

It's easy to get bogged down in the day to day stuff that comes our way.  So easy that we often let our romantic relationships take a backseat to what is happening in the news, what tv show is on tonight, or who said what on Facebook.  When we do that our romantic relationships suffer and we can feel disconnected from our partner/spouse. 

Here are 10 tips to reignite those home fires and bring some romance back into your relationship. 

Doc Barton's Top 10 Tips to Re-Ignite Romance

"Keeping romance alive is sometimes a challenge for couples

Published on March 12, 2013 by Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. in Emotional Fitness

Keeping romance alive is sometimes a challenge for couples. Here are my top ten tips for adding some fuel to your romantic fires.

1. Act romantic and you'll feel romantic. Play the part by setting the scene with candlelight and soft music, softer words, lingerie and great smells. This creates a fanciful mood for both of you and romance will be unavoidable.
2. Make your bedroom a romantic hideaway. Get some silk sheets, some soft lights and if you don't have a lock on your bedroom door - get one. Having a place to go when the feelings come over you is important to keep romance alive.
3. Talk about sex. Give your partner a call in the middle of the day and tell them you can't wait to make love to them. Drop little sexual innuendoes and don't be afraid to ask them what it is they like or tell them what you like. Conversations about love may be one of the most under rated aphrodisiacs.
4. Indulge your fantasy. Share your secret romantic fantasy with your partner and ask them to tell you theirs. Then make plans to play them out. Just the anticipation will add to your romance and the gift of giving each other what you desire will be something that you will never forget.
5. Have a date night at least once a week. This may the most important and most disregarded rule of romance. Keeping a date night with your partner is something that both of you can look forward to all week long. It is your special time together away from work, kids and all the stresses of life. Not only will it enhance your romantic life; it will help you both live longer.
6. Be creative. Relive you first date, kidnap your partner for a weekend getaway, have chocolate covered strawberries and champagne in bed, serenade your partner (or just lip-sync to a Josh Grobin or Jessica Simpson song). There are so many different ways to be romantic, just go with your ideas (or buy a book to get some) it's really hard to do it wrong.
7. Kiss often. Couples who kiss every day make love more than those who don't. One of the sexiest things you can do with your partner is to just spend a night making-out and cuddling. Deep, romantic kissing is something that many couples forget to do after they have been together for a while. It's more important to romance than you think. If you ask most women what they would like more of in their romantic lives they will tell you it's kissing, and men who are great kissers never want for love making.
8. Let go. Give your partner total control in the romance department every once in a while. It's surprising how they will surprise you if they can give to you in any way they want. There is also something freeing about giving up control. Just say to the one you love, "Honey, I'm all yours, do with me what you will."
9. Complement each other. Everyone wants to know they're desirable and we all wonder if our partners still find us sexy after a few years have gone by. Just telling someone how great he or she looks when you're in bed isn't enough. Compliments should take placed throughout the day. This way, when it's bedtime, your partner will already feel desired and you will reap the benefits.
10. Think about sex. We all think about sex, but sometimes we forget to put our partner in the picture with us. Next time your mind wanders in that direction be sure to focus on being with the person you love. These thoughts will create a deeper connection and both of you will not only feel more romantic, you will also feel emotionally closer.

We all admire couples who seem to have found the secret of keeping their romantic fires burning, yet most people just don’t take the time to go there. There are many ways to re-light the romantic torch, it make take a little energy, and you may feel a little uncomfortable at first, but the tips above are some of the best (and most fun) ways to keep this very important part of your relationship sizzling."

Blending Holiday Traditions

As a child you follow the holiday traditions of your parents.  As a single adult you can pick and choose what you want to do in your own home.  Once you become part of a couple, married or otherwise, all those things change.  The question becomes whose holiday traditions will you follow?  Whose parents will you spend the holidays with?  Something that seems so simple can actually become very stressful. 

Traditions are sacred and we each want to believe that our own holiday traditions are the best traditions.  Once you have children navigating these waters becomes even trickier.  What time are your children allowed our of their rooms on Christmas morning?  Are they allowed to open stockings without you?  Are presents from Santa wrapped or unwrapped? 

While I don't think that these are issues that will make or break a marriage, they are issues that will come up.  If each person in the marriage feels very strongly about their traditions, it's important to sit down and determine what your OWN family traditions will be.  This can require compromise and that can feel hard for some individuals. 

Often we look at compromise as giving up something and in our minds giving up something is losing something.  That's not the case.  Instead of looking at compromise as giving up something look at it as gaining something.  You may have to let go of decorating your tree Thanksgiving weekend, but you may gain a better appreciation of focusing on the Thanksgiving holiday as its own holiday instead of as the start of the Christmas season.  Instead of determining if Santa leaves wrapped or unwrapped presents, maybe Santa leaves small gifts wrapped and large presents unwrapped under the tree.  Once you have children maybe you don't spend holidays with your parents or your in-laws, but rather host an event at your house at your convenience. 

Families.Com has some great articles on creating new holiday traditions as a married couple.  If you are a family with step children, incorporating the thoughts and feelings of all your children as to what the holidays should look like can alleviate stress and make for a stronger family unit.  It's important that your children be able to express to you what it feels like to divide their time between two households during the holidays without fear that they may hurt your feelings.  The more support they feel from you, the more likely they are to have a joyous holiday experience. 

Navigating marriage can be challenging enough without making the holidays stressful.  Remember the holidays are a time of joy and family.  As long as you communicate openly and are willing to give a little, your new holiday traditions will soon be something your whole family looks forward to every year. 

**For the purposes of this post references to Santa and Christmas were used; however, this author recognizes that stress and joy can come regardless of your religious or spiritual preferences.  We wish you a joyous holiday season!