If I Loved You

You don't get married expecting to get divorced.  When you are young and in love you can't even imagine the fairytale ending...unless you go into marriage knowing you are marrying the wrong person.  

My first husband is a good person.  He was a good husband.  He would've been a good father.  There was nothing wrong.  

Except that there was.  

I know that he didn't understand what the wrong was.  If I had been a stronger person I would've called off the wedding.  I wasn't at that time in my life.  I knew what a good person he was and I thought that the love would come.  

I went to counseling.  I cried.  I rebelled and basically acted like a teenager.  At 25 years old I wanted to go out with my friends.  I wasn't ready to be married.  He was.  

The more he tried to connect with me, to be the person he thought I wanted, the worse I acted.  I drank too much, I cried too much, I was mean, I hated myself.  

For a long time I blamed myself.  

Delta Rae's song If I Loved You is the music to what I went through and wish I could've voiced during my first marriage.  If I had those words then maybe he would've understood.  

It is better to hurt someone you care about then to spend years with the wrong person.