Living up to Standards

Someone texted me to share that they had won an award at work and were nervous that they wouldn't be able to live up to the standard of the award.  This person asked for some tips in working through this issue.  My response is as follows:

Congratulations on your award!  That's a great achievement and I'm not sure why you feel like you can't live up to the standards of the award.  By virtue of getting the award you've already proven that you ARE already living up to the standards.  I think that is the biggest piece of working through lack of confidence.  You ARE ALREADY DOING IT!  They wouldn't have nominated and chosen you if you weren't.  

Lacking confidence is something you can change.  The first step is to fake it until you make it.  Often by faking confidence it becomes ingrained in you and before you know it you are confident.   

The second step is to get outside your comfort zone whenever possible.  By putting yourself in situations that challenge you then you allow yourself to grow as a person.  Whether it's accepting a promotion, moving to a new shift, moving your relationship forward to the next level, or doing something that frightens you don't allow yourself to accept the status quo.  If you always take the easy/known/familiar path then before you know it your life will have passed you by.  

The third step is to believe in yourself.  If you don't believe in your abilities then how can you expect other people to believe in you?  

Fourth, be kind to yourself.  If you wouldn't say the things you tell yourself (doubts, etc) to your best friend then DON"T say them to yourself.  We can be our own worst critic when it's clear that others in our lives don't think about us that way.  

And finally, know that whatever expectation is being asked of you by virtue of this award is something you are already living.  And it sounds like the only expectation is something you are projecting onto yourself.  Let that go.  You got this!

Dealing with Change

In a late night text conversation with a dear friend last night we started to talk about all the changes we were about to face...both pregnant, both have toddlers, both about to do a military move with newborns...as you can imagine there are a lot of unknowns and uncertainties we are facing.  It's easy to get caught up in the fear of the unknown.  Change is scary!  Regardless of if you are a military family or someone who has lived in the same town your whole life we all face new environments with a certain amount of trepidation.

So, how do we face change without fear?

1)  Acceptance.  We all know that life can change at any point in time.  Whether it's a new relationship, new job, new home, pregnancy, death, there are many unknown variables.  Living in fear of those unknown variables will keep you in a constant state of stress.  If you can learn to accept that it's okay for life to change and that life really is like a moving river, flowing over rocks, changing shorelines, and fallen trees while we are just leaves floating down that river then it's easier to accept the unknown.

2)  Embrace the chaos.  I think there are two types of people in life.  Those who embrace an orderly life and those who embrace chaos.  I know my life is never orderly.  I wish I was more organized, but I'm not.  Instead I've learned that it's okay to embrace the chaos.  My life isn't perfect and it doesn't have to be because I know everything will work out in the end.  And if my house is a hot mess, but my daughter is happy and healthy then life is good.

3)  What's the worst that could happen?  Ask yourself and then be okay with the answer.  For example, say you're facing a move to a new city.  What's the worst that could happen?  Well, it might be hard to meet people, you might not like your new job.  Before you get there use the internet to explore new ways to get involved in your new town.  Whether it's using sites like meetup.com or joining a mom's group or a cooking class, force yourself to get out of your comfort zone and get involved in new things.  Make a plan for how you are going to face various scenarios of this change.  

4)  See change as an opportunity.  This is your chance to renew, repurpose, redecorate.  Be the person you want to be.  Whether it's using this new opportunity to exercise, shop locally, go to farmer's markets, buy some new couch cushions do the things you wouldn't have done if change wasn't forcing you into something new.  Moving to a new area?  What a great time to explore a new region of the country!  Going through a divorce?  What a great time to take an exotic trip by yourself!  Don't let your fear hold you back.

5)  Be kind to yourself.  Don't be harsh or judge yourself for being afraid.  The kinder you can be to yourself right now as you face your fear the easier it will be to move through that fear.  Constantly judging yourself for being nervous is like treating your best friend like crap.  You just wouldn't do it to your best friend, so don't do it to yourself!

And above all else don't be ashamed to ask for help.  Rely on family, friends, or a therapist to help you cope with whatever you are going through right now.  If you don't ask for help, others won't know you need a hand right now.

An Excercise for Managing Anxiety

We've all experienced anxiety in some form.  The racing heart, the fast breathing, a sense of being extremely overwhelmed by the situation, restlessness...anxiety can come in many forms.  There are things you can learn to help you manage anxiety before it starts and there are things you can learn to help you calm down when you're feeling anxious. 

One of my favorite techniques is also one of the simplest.  When I am feeling anxious I make lists.  My anxiety usually comes at night and usually has to do with some imagined tragedy involving my children.  Instead of laying in bed with my heart racing I pick a topic (vegetables, a specific color, things that have to do with summer, food...any topic you want) and I go through the alphabet listing something related to that topic for each letter. 

For example, let's say your topic is food. 

Apples
Bananas
Crepes
Deviled eggs
Eggs
Etc.

You keep listing until you get to Z.  And if you're still feeling anxious then you start over at A.  I find that, for myself, usually by the middle of the alphabet my mind has relaxed, my breathing has slowed, and I have calmed down.  If not, I pick another topic and keep going.  The beauty of this exercise is that it forces your mind to think of something other than what you are feeling anxious about and you can do it anywhere.

What's your favorite technique for dealing with anxiety?